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The Lazy Asshole’s Guide to Losing Some Fucking Weight

By eltopo • July 11th, 2015 • Health & Fitness
Fatty with fat belt.

There are precisely two possible reasons you’re reading this article right now:

  1. You aren’t overweight. You hate fat people, and you wanted to laugh. If this is you, this will probably satisfy you:

  1. You are a fatty – not just obese, but also admittedly lazy and a bit of an anti-social loser asshole, and probably a porn or video game addict, too (fuck your self-esteem, lardo). If that’s the case, then this article really is for you!

You’re not alone. Obesity is pretty much the normal thing these days, and it’s easier than ever to be a fat, lazy cunt and avoid any criticism from others for your terrible choices.

Still, you’ve always fantasized about losing some of the weight. Not just for girls, or to make it easier to clean between the body folds so it doesn’t get that sour cream smell again, or so you don’t have to relive the humiliation of having all the other people in line at the Costco passport photo booth hear the photographer say she needs to switch lenses so your face will fit (a wound that can be easily healed afterwards with one a greasy-ass Costco Dog and one of those batshit soft pretzels they sell soaked in delicious butter). No, it’s not just about looking better or actually asking your oneitis out – you’re long past the delusion that someday you’ll somehow muster the effort to get fit despite never having the persistence to accomplish anything else in your life – it’s about having a little control, dammit!

But, if you actually had that self-control, you wouldn’t be a lazy asshole, now would you?

With that in mind, we here at Dead Mailbox Society have put together something just for you (don’t you feel special): a guide of how to lose some pounds without making any major effort. Instead of paying $500 for a membership to a gym you’ll go to once for fifteen minutes before inevitably going home to cry because all the buff guys in tank tops intimidated you, this guide focuses on things that are cheap, easy, and best of all, require little to no effort to put into place.

Without further ado, here’s how a lazy asshole can lose some fucking weight.

1) Cut Out Sodas, Juices and Other Sweetened Soft Drinks

If you do nothing else on the list, do this, especially the sodas, which might as well be named liquid obesity. Repeat: IF YOU DO NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS LIST, CUT OUT THE FUCKING SODAS.

There is nothing remotely good about these drinks. Not only do they pack precisely zero nutritional content, they are actively harmful to your body. The acids, coloring agents, flavoring, preservatives and so on that get dumped into these beverages practically make them toxic sludge, and some of them have even been shown to promote cancer. Worst of all, though, is the massive amount of sugar you’re consuming each time you drink just one soda. Sugar – not fat, not red meat, not cooking oil, but the sweet white snow from Satan’s ski lodge – is almost certainly the main culprit behind your ever-enlargening man bosoms, and soda is its most popular, widespread delivery mechanism. I removed them from my diet, and I lost several pounds with no other changes.

Know that juices and similar drinks are not much better. They usually have vitamins, even if they are added artificially, which makes them marginally better than pop, but they’re still loaded with sugar. What’s worse is that a lot of “juice” barely qualifies for that title – most store-bought orange juice is boiled and evaporated after squeezing to the point that all that is left is an unrecognizable gray liquid that is kept in cold storage until bottling time, when sugar, vitamins, coloring and artificial flavoring (yes) are added in to give the illusion of “fresh squeezed” juice. It’s (in my opinion) a gigantic scam, and now that you know better, you should do what you can to avoid it.

So what if you’ve got some weird oral fixation and absolutely need to be drinking something all the time? Well, if water doesn’t do it for you (and we totally understand), we suggest you switch to unsweetened tea, or sugar-free flavor waters, which are available at any grocery store these days. Your brain won’t know the difference, and you won’t be putting so much crap into your body.

And if that’s still not doable, at least switch to a sugar free version of your drink of choice. Jeeze.

2) Swap Items for Your Mindless Snacking

You’re fat because you eat shit, and you eat it in huge quantities. You do not have a mysterious genetic disorder that cause you to swell to well over 200 lbs. just by nibbling on turnips and puffed rice cakes (unless your chromosomes are somehow made of Cool Ranch Doritos, in which case, you should probably be in the hospital right now). You lack willpower, and use junk food to manage your wildly inconsistent moods. As a result, you are addicted to salt, carbs, and sugar.

Now, most people trying to lose weight would at some point reevaluate the place these “foods” have in their lives, often drastically reducing or wholly eliminating them for the sake of their health. Not you, though! You once ate an entire box of ice cream sandwiches right after getting back from the store (“I’ll just have two…” No you won’t, Baby Huey).

Clearly, you aren’t the disciplined type. Nonstop eating while you surf the internet for 16 hours is just about the one thing that gets you through the day, and without it, you’d be at a loss as to how to carry on. Never fear! Under our plan, you can keep shoveling crap into your mouth AND lose a couple pounds.

How? By simply substituting your snack foods with less horrible replacements. Instead of jamming Famous Amos into your face, try some fruit & veg for a change. That way, you don’t have to do any of the hard work of changing your deeply ingrained habits.

But you like your snacks, you say? Think: How much are you really experiencing the junk food you eat? Are you really paying attention to the flavor, or are you just gorging as your mind focuses more on something else? Yeah, I thought so.

Okay, nobody actually likes celery or pre-peeled carrots. They taste like an old lady’s piss, and gutter water, respectively. But what about these replacements: baby snap peas, grapes, dwarf oranges, cherries, dried banana chips, unshelled peanuts, pistachios, walnuts, hummus with gluten-free crackers? You can do that shit.

3) Be Choosier About Your Spreads

Same idea as above, pretty much. Don’t change the amount of what you’re eating; change its nature. If you love peanut butter, ditch the popular brands with all that sugar added in, like you find in Jiff, or Skippy, and swap it for a natural peanut butter that’s sugar free.

(Are you seeing a pattern, here? Sugar is the enemy. SUGAR IS THE ENEMY).

What’s that? You hate having to stir the peanut butter a couple times before slapping together your Fool’s Gold Loaf? Well, the companies are starting to get the ‘no sugar’ memo, and now you can get a magically unsweetened peanut butter spread you don’t have to pre-stir (that would be dangerously close to exercise). Pic is fucking related.

Creamy Smucker's Peanut Butter

4) Darken Your Morning Coffee

Yet another minor change you can make to cut out the White Devil. Your morning cup of joe is probably the healthiest habit you have – even better than learning not to breathe while you’re chewing. Coffee isn’t just a stimulant. In fact, it has been shown to be rich in antioxidants, and more relevantly, stimulate the human body to burn fat.

…If it isn’t loaded with sugar, syrups and artificial creamers, that is. A single “tall” hazelnut latte from Starbucks has 190 calories (nearly 10% of the recommended daily total for a grown man) and 26 grams of sugar (more than a Fanta). With that in mind, do you really think the coffees you make at home, with tablespoons, plural, of sugar and creamer can be good for you?

Time to grow some hair on your balls, and learn to drink black coffee. Again, you aren’t really changing any of your routines or habits. If you already drink coffee, you get to keep drinking your coffee. Just, don’t be stupid about it. Take that shit the way the Kardashians like their men.

Drink up, chubs.

5) Staircise

You’ve heard it a million times before that you should take the stairs instead of the fucking elevator. Okay, fine. BUT, you’re a lazy asshole, stairs are a pain, and you don’t like to be panting and drenched in your own sweat at 8:00 in the morning.

So, try this compromise: If where you going is three flights of stairs or less, stair it all the way up (or down); on the other hand, if it’s more than three flights, walk two or three flights, then hit up the elevator for the rest. That way, you’re not just using a big distance as an excuse not to do what you could easily be doing, but you’re not doing anything above the call of duty.

Maybe this idea seems a little silly to you. Then again, maybe you’re also a FATTY. Checkmate, butterball.

6) 15 Minutes of Walking a Day

I know the idea of exercise is about as appealing to you as a using your stepdad’s old Fleshlight as a drinking glass (hint, there’s a reason you’re in your chair, on the sixth tip of a weight-loss article instead of playing intramural soccer at the Y, or what have you), but consider…it’s just walking. No brisk pace. No stupid special shoes you have to buy, or different clothes you have to change into. No jogging. No running. No gym.

…Just a little walking, after lunch, or after dinner, or after sundown. Do it every day along with the other stuff in this guide. You will feel better. You will lose some weight. And you’ll hardly be doing anything at all.

And if you’re one of those people who’s so fat that your legs can’t support your own weight, destining you to be featured someday on People of Walmart, crushed beneath your capsized scooter in the frozen foods section when you reached too far for the second tub of premixed gravy and mash, just…I don’t know, wave your arms around for fifteen minutes or something. Movement. You need movement.

6) If You Have a Desk Job, or Spend a Lot of Time on the Computer, Pick Up a “Nervous Habit”

Oh, who are we kidding? You have a desk job (school desk counts), and you follow that up with several hours more looking at nasty shit on the web afterwards (probably while drinking soda and snacking nonstop, see above).

In keeping with the spirit of this article, we don’t advocate you get up and stretch, or get some different hobbies (and shit, we know telling you to walk for fifteen minutes a day is asking a fucking lot of you), so go ahead, keep your ass fastened to that chair. Your shitty attitude and your shocking disregard for the gift of the life that has been given to you will both thank you for doing so.

But while you’re doing so, maybe try something that will burn a little extra energy; a “nervous habit” that keeps some part of you, even if it’s just the fingers, in movement. Stress balls and squeeze toys are great for this. Use your free hand to…

To…

…Then again, you guys probably already have something for your free hand to do as you surf the web.

So become a foot tapper! My brother’s a foot tapper. Drives me nuts. But it burns calories. Up to 350 calories a day, apparently, if you keep at it. Try it.

The Big Fat Ending

You will not get mad ripped with these changes. What you WILL get, if you keep them in practice for a few months, is a lower body fat percentage, and a more attractive face, not to mention better overall health and more restful sleep. You won’t look like a porn star, but you WILL look and feel noticeably better than you did before. As a bonus, you will probably get a sense of accomplishment, which could in the long run motivate you to do more, and be less of a lazy asshole overall.

The basic principle of put less junk in, burn more of the junk that still makes it through, with as little effort or change to your habits as possible, is enough to make you lose a little weight without making ANY major changes. You’re just altering the things you already do in a way that will keep you happy so that your brain won’t notice and cause you to fuck things up.

 

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Double the pleasure with our newsletter! Sent on Friday mornings.
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