The Lazy Asshole’s Guide to Last-Minute Halloween Costumes

Holy fuck, it’s almost Halloween and you don’t have anything to wear for a costume. Hell, maybe you’re reading this on Halloween, and if that’s the case, you’re in deep shit if you need to put something together ASAP.

That’s where we come in, Mailmen, to help you overcome the worst effects of your shitty attitude towards life by providing you with these six ideas for last-minute, half-assed costumes that are cheap, easy, and do the trick well enough for you to look like you at least tried (you can thank us later).

So, sit back and enjoy, Lazy Assholes – pick one of these and you won’t even need to go to the store.

The Cat Burglar

Components: black (long sleeved) clothing; your stubbly face; sack or pillow case (optional); flashlight (optional); rope (optional)

Time: Five to ten minutes tops, assuming you have all this shit in your house and know where to find it

I’m convinced that every guy has an old pair of black shoes lying around, along with a black shirt, some black jeans, gloves, and a ski hat in his place. Normally you’d never wear all that at the same time, but this is Halloween and that’s exactly what you’re going to do. Even better if you haven’t shaved in a day or two (you fucking slob).

For added authenticity, find an old sack to carry with you (a pillow case will do in a pinch), to put the silverware in when no one’s looking, and maybe a rope or some shit to, I don’t know, scale a wall or something.

The Lumberjack

Flannel shirt? Check. Blue jeans? Check. Boots? Check. Spray yourself with some Pinesol for that mountainy fresh smell, and you’re good to go.

Possible accessories: a hatchet, a steel lunchbox, or a hard hat – but only if you already have those things lying around. Anything else is just too much fucking effort. If you have one of those miniature artificial Christmas trees in a closet somewhere, you might take it with you. Hell, do that and people might even think you’re being clever. Bonus points if you have a hirsute appendage clinging to your face.

Caesar

Components: sheet; sandals; a cup or something (optional)

Time: Coupla minutes if you truly don’t give a shit; an hour or more if you’re anal retentive about “historical accuracy”

A timeless classic among lazy assholes throughout the ages, the Caesar toga might very well be the right choice for you. Alls you need is some sandals, an old bed sheet, some safety pins, and maybe a golden pimp cup (you know, for libations and shit). And thanks to Nero and John Belushi, you don’t even have to be in good shape to pull this one off.

Plus chicks dig a guy who isn’t afraid to show a little nip. Trust me.

The Fisherman

Components: blue jeans; boots, vest; stupid hat; fishin’ pole; tackle box (optional)

Time: Under ten minutes

If you (or your dad) likes to fish, you’ve already got a costume waiting for you. Just put on your vest and other, normal fishing gear, grab your fishing pole (no hooks unless you want to be held responsible for ripping out somebody’s eyelid), and maybe grab your tackle box while you’re at it (Unless dumping the contents out is too much of a hassle. Hey, you’re a lazy bitch and we’re okay with that).

The Brawler

Components: dark-colored sweat pants or pajama bottoms; masking tape; makeup (optional); gauze (optional)

Time: Like a minute if it weren’t for the damn hands

Got a pair of pajama bottoms (no 101 Dalmatians or Captain America, please) in your dresser? Put them on, take off your shirt and voila! You’re now a cage fighter.

Of course, it takes a little panache to sell, and adding in just a few details goes a long way. You’ll want to wrap your hands like a fighter’s if you’ve any hope of other revelers understanding what you’re supposed to be. Gauze or some other kind of white cloth would be good to wrap before applying the tape to your hands, but if it’s really the last minute and you can’t be buggered, just tape up them mitts (Squeamish about ripping it off later? Just take a shower first and the water will make most of the adhesive dissolve).

If you’re willing to put just a little more effort into it, your girlfriend’s/sister’s/whoever’s makeup can be used to give you a “black eye” and bruises for added affect (just bitch about not knowing what to do until she sighs in disgust and does it for you). Keep your chin up, and try to look steely eyed and menacing throughout the night.

The Ghooooooooost

Components: an old sheet (and scissors to cut that shit up)

Time: I dunno, two seconds?

If you are absolutely out of other options, there’s always the classic sheet-with-two-holes in it (and no, I’m not talking about an Orthodox Jewish threesome). That’s literally it: A sheet. With two holes. You know, for your eyes and shit.

There are some obvious disadvantages to this: For one thing, the combination of poor visibility and a floor-length sheet draped in front of your feet, you’re liable to trip and break your face. Secondly, you’re going to be spending the first two hours of any party you go to constantly telling people who you are underneath. Thirdly, it gets awful sweaty under a sheet at a party. Think what your balls are like after a five hour bus ride with no time to stretch. That’ll be you.

That being said, this is some genuinely half-assed shit that will get you out of any costume jam, and unlike our other suggestions, this one is at least an attempt to be spoopy. Plus, you can totally play up how fucking lame it is, and show your suave, “I’m-too-good-for-this” attitude to all and sundry.

Have an idea for another half-assed, last-minute costume? We’d love to hear in the comments section below.