By Eltopo ∙ April 2nd, 2015

65 Things Better Than a Perfect Report Card

I was a straight-A student, honor roll, I’m embarrassed to say. When I think of all the time I could have used for better pursuits instead of filling out piece of shit worksheets and doing extra credit assignments, I cringe a little. Don’t make the mistake I did of being a “good student.” Life is so rich and full of opportunity, particularly when you’re young.

Take it from someone who speaks from authority: Getting a perfect report card is a very hollow victory. With that in mind, here is a short (and by no means complete) list of things that are all way, way better than grade grubbing:

  1. Gentle, languid sex with someone who really matters
  1. Smoking an awful lot of weed with your stupid friends because you can’t think of anything else to do
  1. Your dog. When you first get home.
  1. Spooning with someone you really care about
  1. Spooning with someone you really care about totally naked
  1. That B- you actually had to work really hard for
  1. That weekend at the cabin
  1. This album:


  1. A cold beer. With your dad.
  1. Skipping school for a day just to dink around town
  1. MST3K:

  1. MST3K high
  1. That one week in spring where all the trees are covered in flowers
  1. Roman candle fights with your friends
  1. Strutting around naked and not caring who looks
  1. Making your first $100 working for yourself and nobody else
  1. Fapping after a long day of really needing it
  1. Listening to this in a melancholic mood:

  1. Also this:

  1. Outsmarting the teacher in front of everyone
  1. Finally standing up to that asshole who won’t leave you alone
  1. A warm pussy:


  1. Exploring a city you’ve never been to before
  1. Exploring a country you’ve never been to before
  1. Exploring a continent you’ve never been to before
  1. Going through your morning routine and realizing you’re over her
  1. Building your own website for the first time
  1. Writing and finishing your own novel
  1. That very first subscriber on your own YouTube channel
  1. Hot Chinese beef noodle soup
  1. Teaching your little brother how to get girls
  1. Quitting that job you can’t fucking stand anymore
  1. Feeding your baby sister on her high chair
  1. Making more money than the kids on the honor roll do after high school’s over
  1. That moment when you realize money isn’t all there is to life
  1. Reading a really fucking manly book like War and Peace or Moby Dick from cover to cover
  1. Learning to drink whisky like a man
  1. A really sloppy, juicy burger when you’ve been starving for hours
  1. Seeing this with your own eyes:


  1. Being young and American while in China
  1. Visiting Angkor Wat at sunrise
  1. A really well made mimosa. I don’t care it’s a chick drink. Shut up.
  1. Hot toddy at a Christmas party jammed with people
  1. Having a really brilliant idea no one else has had
  1. Teaching yourself to write code
  1. Growing your own damn food
  1. Bicycling across Belgium, Taiwan or Madagascar
  1. Selling your invention for $$$
  1. Meeting somebody for the first time and getting that weird feeling that you’ve known each other since before you were even born
  1. Building your own house with your own tools, your own hands
  1. Forming a really shitty punk rock band with your stupid friends
  1. That first time listening to Dark Side of the Moon
  1. Wet dreams
  1. Catching, gutting and grilling a fish
  1. Making $1 million before you’re 30
  1. Winning a screenwriting contest
  1. Heavy petting in a dark movie theater
  1. Starting your own business before your friends even have a high school diploma
  1. Learning to make some fucking curry
  1. This fucking photo:


  1. Pork chop sandwiches
  1. Listening to this while stoned:

  1. Getting your motorcycle license
  1. Learning to beat someone’s ass at a dojo
  1. Writing this article


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65 Things Better Than a Perfect Report Card