65 Things Better Than a Perfect Report Card

I was a straight-A student, honor roll, I’m embarrassed to say. When I think of all the time I could have used for better pursuits instead of filling out piece of shit worksheets and doing extra credit assignments, I cringe a little. Don’t make the mistake I did of being a “good student.” Life is so rich and full of opportunity, particularly when you’re young.

Take it from someone who speaks from authority: Getting a perfect report card is a very hollow victory. With that in mind, here is a short (and by no means complete) list of things that are all way, way better than grade grubbing:

1. Gentle, languid sex with someone who really matters

2. Smoking an awful lot of weed with your stupid friends because you can’t think of anything else to do

3. Your dog. When you first get home.

4. Spooning with someone you really care about

5. Spooning with someone you really care about totally naked

6. That B- you actually had to work really hard for

7. That weekend at the cabin

8. This album:

9. A cold beer. With your dad.

10. Skipping school for a day just to dink around town

11. MST3K:

12. MST3K high

13. That one week in spring where all the trees are covered in flowers

14. Roman candle fights with your friends

15. Strutting around naked and not caring who looks

16. Making your first $100 working for yourself and nobody else

17. Fapping after a long day of really needing it

18. Listening to this in a melancholic mood:

19. Also this:

20. Outsmarting the teacher in front of everyone

21. Finally standing up to that asshole who won’t leave you alone

22. A warm pussy:

23. Exploring a city you’ve never been to before

24. Exploring a country you’ve never been to before

25. Exploring a continent you’ve never been to before

26. Going through your morning routine and realizing you’re over her

27. Building your own website for the first time

28. Writing and finishing your own novel

29. That very first subscriber on your own YouTube channel

30. Hot Chinese beef noodle soup

31. Teaching your little brother how to get girls

32. Quitting that job you can’t fucking stand anymore

33. Feeding your baby sister on her high chair

34. Making more money than the kids on the honor roll do after high school’s over

35. That moment when you realize money isn’t all there is to life

36. Reading a really fucking manly book like War and Peace or Moby Dick from cover to cover

37. Learning to drink whisky like a man

38. A really sloppy, juicy burger when you’ve been starving for hours

39. Seeing this with your own eyes:

40. Being young and American while in China

41. Visiting Angkor Wat at sunrise

42. A really well made mimosa. I don’t care it’s a chick drink. Shut up.

43. Hot toddy at a Christmas party jammed with people

44. Having a really brilliant idea no one else has had

45. Teaching yourself to write code

46. Growing your own damn food

47. Bicycling across Belgium, Taiwan or Madagascar

48. Selling your invention for $$$

49. Meeting somebody for the first time and getting that weird feeling that you’ve known each other since before you were even born

50. Building your own house with your own tools, your own hands

51. Forming a really shitty punk rock band with your stupid friends

52. That first time listening to Dark Side of the Moon

53. Wet dreams

54. Catching, gutting and grilling a fish

55. Making $1 million before you’re 30

56. Winning a screenwriting contest

57. Heavy petting in a dark movie theater

58. Starting your own business before your friends even have a high school diploma

59. Learning to make some fucking curry

60. This fucking photo:

61. Pork chop sandwiches

62. Listening to this while stoned:

63. Getting your motorcycle license

64. Learning to beat someone’s ass at a dojo

65. Writing this article